The slightly offensive (and comforting) smell of the New Year
- Megpie
- Jan 2, 2020
- 3 min read
If y'all want something green in your pocket books this coming year, you had better cook up a mess of collards.
And if you do it right, they’ll stink so good…..
You’re gonna need…..
Two bunches of fresh collards
Salt pork (8-10 oz)
Seasonings - salt, cayenne, brown sugar, cracked pepper
Large dutch oven with a good-fitting lid
Clean sink and plenty of cool water.
Some good-hearted southern soul
These leafy winter greens (ready after the first frost) are a southern staple that simmers love right into your soul. As they're slow cooked, collards release a sulfur smell that’ll waft throughout the house. It's an unmistakable odor, and if you didn't know any better, you'd blame your smiling cousin.
The internet is absolutely outraged by the stink!
A search on COOKING collards mostly returned advice about the smell:
Don’t cook them too long!
Take the stems off!
Put a pecan in the pot!
Boil a pot of vinegar!
This is what my grandmother taught me..
If I’m cooking collards, I’m gonna do it like my Mama Edith did... low and slow until my whole house - even my curtains - smells like a poot.
Listen to Mama Edith (and any good southern Grandmother). She’d never serve crunchy, half-done collards. She’d also dispute the claim that the nutrients are gone from a good ole pot of greens that have cooked all afternoon. Her recipe will make your socks slide right on down*. If you don’t understand her "hoi toide" slang, you have probably never been momucked* either.
(Translation: *A good pot of greens will make you poop. *aggravated real good)
Clean your greens.
Rinse the massive leaves in a sink full of cool water. Tear leaves away from the reedy, whitish stem (pictured, right).
Rinse again and CHOP the green leaves into pieces. Rinse well and then soak the leaves in a sink of cold water. It’s debatable about how long you let em soak, but the important thing is to get em washed. You’ll know when they get fluffed up and green.
This step is important for several reasons, but one of the main ones is to make sure they’re CLEAN. With homegrown produce, there will be sand and dirt, and maybe even a stink bug.
Taking a bite of collards with a stink bug actually happened to me once at Sunday dinner. That’s the only time in my life I was able to get away with cutting such a shine at the table. Everyone, especially Pop, thought it was so funny.
Meanwhile ...
In a big dutch oven, heat pieces of salt pork with oil (Mama Edith would’ve used some lard, but a few turns of EVOO works too)
Once meat has browned some, add several quarts of water and stir, scraping up the bits.
Put the lid on and let come to a boil.
Add seasoning – couple palms full of salt, several dashes of cayenne pepper, a healthy dose of cracked pepper and about a tablespoon of brown sugar.
Stirrrrrrrrr, put the lid on and let 'er roll for a minute.
Drain greens and rinse greens thoroughly (again).
Add wet, cold collards by the handful to the rolling water, pushing down with the wooden spoon (the same one that kept me from being so durn sassy).
Keep an eye on the greens for a few hours, stirring often. Blame that smell on your grandma as you wish she was here.
When the greens get soft, it’s time to add dumplins or potatoes or whatever. (that's another recipe)
Serve 'em up
Drain the greens in a colander, taking care to save the "pot liquor."
Put them on the table in your grandmother's prettiest serving bowl. Put the pot liquor in a mason jar and drink it when no one is looking.
Meh this is the cutest post. I've ever seen. Imagine those city slickers cooking collards! Thanks for telling them how to stem them. Love that pic.